All in My Head

2004-02-22T15:47:00.000-05:00

2004-02-20T14:59:00.000-05:00

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

You're Colombia!

You do a lot of drugs, and these have kind of distorted your view of
reality, to the point that everyone looks like an enemy. You keep trying to restore
order over your schizophrenic world view, but you don't even know which goal is your own
and which is someone else's. You're pretty sure someone needs to be punished for all
this, but who that is changes all the time. Things would be a lot better for you if
you switched to coffee, or even to decaf, but all this money would be hard to give up.

Take
the Country Quiz at the href="http://bluepyramid.org">Blue Pyramid

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2004-02-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

Nothing very interesting to talk about today. But then again nothing is interesting about my life so I wouldn't hold my breath waiting. Had an interesting sex talk with Aleks and Squeak in gym class today. Although lots of people kept joining in our medicine ball throwing circle and listening in. Have proven to everyone once and for all that my sex life is NOT interesting. So STOP ASKING! That's exactly why I never said anything in the first place. I figured you'd all assume the truth but I figured if I didn't come right out and say it I wouldn't be bombarded with questions of size and performance. There goes that dream. I don't go prying in other people's sex lives so why does everyone pry into mine. Go have your own fun on your own time. Whatever happened to keeping things like that to yourself. Damn you people. Damn yous all to hell.

On a lighter topic, I finally did something right in photography today. Ok I admit it, it wasn't actually I who did it but it was my project so I count it. Mrs. Steeley finally helped me with my pinhole picture and it turned out quite nicely. Although I didn't recognize it after it was developed because silly me forgot the pictures come out backwards. Duh! Tomorrow I'll do my test strip and positive. Maybe I'll get better at this whole photography picture crap. I better be with the $200 I'm shelling out for the camera. Damn the patriarchy!

Also did some more research at the library on behaviorism, aggression, and psychiatric abnormality. Seems like I got some interesting stuff there. Cost me about $6 for all the copies I got. Damn reference books and their inability to be taken out of the library. So if I don't see Dennis tonight I'll have a fair amount of time to catch up on my research, which I'm ashamed to say has been collecting dust in various corners of my room. If only there were more hours in the day. That and I had some motivation to do anything let alone study more. That's all that I wanted to say I guess. Kinda disappointed that no one reads my blog anymore, or at least no one deems me worthy of comments. But alas it is my own fault for not writing very often. Still throw me a friggin' bone. Make me feel loved. :-)

2004-02-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

Music: You got the hooch- Sublime

Interesting Valentine's Day this year. The details of which no one reading this would care to know. I will tell you that there was too much water involved. But I got roses and carnations and a big balloon. Plus Dennis is getting me a cool stereo for my car that he will install once my car is done and it gets here. Went to Tom's house tonight. Kept trying to learn Morning Star on his guitar. Still suck. I'm getting there. Not much else going on. Math tutor tomorrow and lots of studying for AP US and Chem. Damn school! Won't be able to hang out with Tom like planned and probably won't have time to go out to dinner with Dennis. You'd think I'd have plenty of time to do things on a 4 day weekend but no. Life sucks. :-)

2004-02-02T14:28:00.000-05:00

Music: Special Olympics- Stephen Lynch

So I went driving again yesterday. It was parallel parking day. We went to the dmv place to practice with the big cones. And I think I did really well except I had a little problem manuevering in the tiny parking lot. I was basically just a little off on my driving that day. Then just spent the rest of the day studying for the chem and spanish midterm. Missed school today cuz I threw up and was feeling really horrible and my mom actually got mad at me and tried to make me go to school. That kinda pissed me off. So I went back up to my room and slept for another hour or two. Woke up and had a cigarette. Probably not a good idea since my stomach hurt and I was really dizzy. But I sat down on the back step and let my dog wander through the backyard. Went back inside and ate some kiwi strawberry yogurt. Dad came home and made food. He smoked about 4 cigarettes right in front of me which doesn't help my newly acquired horrible addiction. And now he has left so I can smoke myself. And then work at 4. Fun fun fun.

2004-01-14T11:13:00.000-05:00

So I’m home again for the third time this week. Have been feeling so crappy lately. Just really depressed basically for two weeks now. Mostly I’ve just been sleeping and working on a website for Tom. There’s so much more I should be doing but lately motivating myself to get out of bed and eat is my biggest accomplishment. I actually got enough energy to clean out my desk yesterday while Tom was over. Although only god knows why someone would want to come over your house while you’re cleaning. At least I amazed him with my cool window trick which consists mainly of opening the window to the inside so you can clean the outside of it. Somehow that impressed him. Go figure. I’m hoping tomorrow is a snow day cuz I still need some more rest. At least I want more rest. Don’t really know if that’s what would be best for me right now. My therapist says I need to get out more. Yesterday he made me listen to a guided imagery tape. I couldn’t really pay attention to it cuz some sort of add kicked in. But what I did hear came out very loud and demonic. It’s hard to relax when the devil is telling you to think of a nice and warm resting spot.

Other than that I’ve been sitting around smoking my little black lungs out. I really should quit. Right after this pack. But I’ve been saying that about the last 5 packs so I don’t know how that will work out. I’m not addicted. Or at least that’s what I tell my self. My daily affirmation. My therapist questioned me about the ring Dennis gave me. He commented on how I have it on the finger you put your wedding ring on. Funny he should say that. Dennis gave it to me asking me to marry him. This was the day after we both got really drunk and planned our whole lives together. Down to the children’s names, Viggo(my choice) and Laelu (Dennis’ choice), and the color of the carpet in the living room. Although if we do get married there’s no way I’m letting the carpet be gray. I don’t even like carpet. I’m for hardwood floors all the way. But its not like I have anything to worry about. Something will happen between us and we’ll break up eventually. I know certain people are rooting for it.

2004-01-03T19:48:00.000-05:00

So its a new year. Fresh start, right? Is that a guarantee? I wish it was. Fresh out of the hospital and already my moods have hit considerable lows. You'd think having people who love me would make me happy. But it just makes it worse. I used to cry. But no one was really there. What's the use? No one kows what anyone else really feels like. Empathy is a lie. I barely understand how I feel. I can hardly expect someone to know how I feel. Unless any of you can read my thoughts. Or hear what else goes on in my head. I had a weird dream last night. I'm driving home from the hospital and my mom and cousin are in the car. My mom hands me a razor and I start slashing up my wrists. Meanwhile my cousin is screaming into the phone at her mom and freaking out. Blood is dripping everywhere and my mom smiles at me from the driver's seat. Things in my head are screaming at me. But all I can think about is the pretty color of the sky. Is that a good sign? I have no clue. I was never one for dream interpretation. Maybe someone else knows. My New Year's resolution is to find out who I am. It'll be a cold day in hell when I do.

2003-12-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

Po was
an Important Executioner
in a past life.

Discover your past lives @ Quiz Me

2003-12-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

Well, Im taking a ?well-deserved? vacation and trying to get better, again. If you care, call my mom and ask her how I'm doing. If you really care send me a letter or a card and give them to my mom so she can give to me. Thats all I could ever wish for.

2003-11-25T12:37:00.000-05:00

After days of refusing to eat anything (I tried to get him to eat, I swear!), my dearest baby, Jacopo, has died. And I never even got to take a picture of him. Photographing his dead body is to morbid even for me. So I've been all sad today. And breaking into fits of depression every now and then. But I have something to be happy about. Tomorrow after school my grandpa is taking me to Trenton and then I'm taking the train to New York to hang out with Jenn. Should be fun. Although I'm afraid I will run out of cigarettes while I'm there. I was going to ask Rick to buy me a pack yesterday for today but I was absent yesterday and it would be too late to get it for today. Life is so not fair. Hopefully a pack will last me for 5 days with lots of New York moochers.

2003-11-18T17:37:00.000-05:00

anti-social

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-11-18T17:09:00.000-05:00

Listening to Shut the Door-Mad Caddies

I got a new rat baby named Jacopo. He so tiny and so cute but he's mutilated three of my fingers already. Can you say Cuzo? I guess he's just scared and thought was trying to hurt him cuz he never bites when I play with him. And I've had a hard time keeping him out of the food bowl because he has decided that it is preferable to sleep in there then anywhere else in the cage. He's still afraid to go to the first level because that's where Marklar spends most of his time. I can't say I blame him cuz Marklar is like seven times his size. But Marklar is usually such a sweetheart.

Anyways, chemistry test tomorrow. Must study. I think I know most of it already. Bascially I just need to review. And then do the reading for AP US History. Hmmmm....spanish quiz tomorrow too. Math test, I think. And if there's anything else I'm not doing it cuz I don't remember. Hopefully its nothing big.

2003-11-10T13:30:00.000-05:00

Listening to: Keyboard ticking

Ok so Dennis and I almost broke up last night. I definitely shouldn't have done what I did, but I blame the bouncer at the bar. They shouldn't let people in just cuz they know them or at least just check their age. That's how soon to be 17-year-olds get in and do stupid things. Definitely not going to do that anytime soon. I have had enough memory loss already. I like knowing what I do. And it helps keep people from getting blackmail on me.

And tomorrow is my birthday! Go me! No birthday punches please. Hugs are acceptable. So is cash. :-P

2003-11-07T12:28:00.000-05:00

Listening to: my ringtone in my head

So I'm going out with Dennis again. Big surprise for everyone I'm sure. Well it was for me. Definitely didn't expect it when I imed him that night. But I'll follow my karass. It's what's meant to be. Still very sad about Tom though. I'm a horrible person, I know that, you don't have to tell me. I feel horrible as it is. But hopefully things will be ok. I'm supposed to go out with him tonight to see School of Rock and hang out at the mall. Should be fun. We always have fun.

Dennis came over last night to hang out in my room for a little while. We talked about some things and he told me how he plans to get an apartment after senior year and live there as he works in his little job for a while. Creepy thing was that he asked me to live with him. Stupid thought. I hope he was kidding. I hate when people think about things like that. I don't believe in planning things that far ahead. It just jinxes things. Like a while ago when it was about 4 months since we were going out he asked if I thought we would last a year. That freaked me out. And then right before the summer he said we would definitely have to go somewhere that summer and then we ended up breaking up. I have no idea how long this will last. Maybe for a while. Maybe not. Part of me doesn't want it to. But most of me does. It's confusing. I hate my life. People shouldn't like me. I tell them that and they're always like I dont care what you say and they keep on liking me. I'm a horrible person, doesn't anyone but Aleks realize that? Are you people blind? Whatever.

My head hurts. I want to take a nice hot bath. I'll just go steal Dennis' bathtub. That thing so the most comfortable bathtub ever. I wish I lived in Dennis' house. I love his room except he has stupid posters and I love his bathroom. Plus his mom lets him do like anything he wants to. Meanwhile I have stupid commie nazi parents who yell at me anytime I have someone over my house and in my room. Yea cuz obviously I'm having sex with everyone up there like my dad thinks I am. I'm not a whore. I'm just friendly. :-P Wow I can smile. I need to talk to Tom. But lately talking to him just depresses me beyond belief. It sucks. I deserve it.

So my birthday is in 4 days. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it. Presents are always nice though. I'll get some more money for my car fund. That'll be good. I only have about $300 so far. And I have until march to come up with some more money. My parents will help pay for the car though so I'm not too worried. the only reason I'm worried is that my parents still haven't taken me driving yet. And I've had my permit for about 2 months now. They keep saying that they'll get me a driving instructor but they keep forgetting. So at this rate I will never get my license. Which sucks. Oh well. Life goes on. We'll just see for how long.

2003-10-26T18:45:00.000-05:00

listening to: Morning Star-Afi

I've kinda been sick lately. I'm always congested and my nose is all stuffy. It sucks major balls. Plus Thursday night I was coughing up a lung so my mom made me stay home on Friday. Which is just great cuz now I have so much work to make up. Somehow I'm always behind. When will I get ahead?

Anyways, Friday I went over Tom's house and we basically sat around cuz that damn bastard couldn't think of anything to do. I kept abusing him but it didn't help any. Ashely Hill and his sister were there for a while talking about their fun plans with acid and whatnot. Made me kinda jealous cuz I was stuck with Mr. I-can't-come-up-with-anything-to-do.

Saturday, big surprise, I went to the mall with Tom. We went to Friendly's and the guy who recognizes me as the crayon girl wasn't there so I had to steal the crayons. Then later I made Tom go back and ask for some paper to draw on. I got the best ice cream sundae with brownies and vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce and caramel with whip cream. It was very good. After Friendly's we walked around and I got a huge nicotine craving so we looked for some people I could get a cigarette off of. We finally found Mia and Kevin inconspiciously leaving the family bathroom together. I got a really crappy cigarette with a huge filter but nicotine is nicotine. Even if its very light and tastes kinda funky. Then I dragged Tom to Bath and Body Works so I could buy a hand moisturizer. I made him smell so many things that he got very confused and said everything smelled the same. I bought a juniper breeze moisturizer/anti-bacterial lotion. Soon after that mallness ended.

Sunday, I just went to Tom's house again and we watched Fight Club. Very good movie. And surprisingly Tom actually figured it out before the end. I had my doubts. So basically the weekend wasn't a total waste. Not very exciting though. I need to get out with other people. I'm spending way too much time with Tom. Volunteers?

2003-10-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

Alright so Friday was fun. Went to the mall with Mia. We met Dan and people outside the movie theater and somehow while I was talking to Dan, Mia disappeared so I decided to hang out with Dan for a while. I ended up hanging out with him the rest of the night and asking him to drive me home cuz my cell phone didn't ring when Mia called me and she left without me. Saturday was the psats all morning. After that me and Squeak walked off to the woods near the bus lot and drank a frappuccino bottle of vodka. Then we went, and/or stumbled, to Santiagos to see Torey, Rico, Becca, Courtney, Molly, and other people. We, and by we I mean mostly Squeak, embarrassed them by being loud and stumbling around a lot. That was fun. Then we laid on the hill outside the library with Squeak cuddling up close to me. Uber comfty. At night Squeak, cripple Tom, and I went to the mall to hang out. We went to Friendly's to get some food where the host guy recognized me as the crayon girl. And Joe, our waiter, kept messing things up and asking us not to tell his manager. We ate while handcuffed to each other and left a $3 tip with a note saying, "Sorry Joe, we are poor" created by Tom. We met some weird kids outside the mall waiting for squeak's mom and they gave us some joe blo gum which sucked balls. Sunday I bought some pants with my mom and hung out with Tom. We baked brownies and then ate them with icecream. So good!

2003-10-15T22:51:00.000-04:00

Everyone wants an "I'm going out with Po" badge. Got married to Tom. Essay due tomorrow. Working on Friday. Thoughts incoherent. Must get sleep. Too much caffeine. Help?

2003-10-12T12:12:00.000-04:00

Went to the mall with Tom last night. 1200 mg of caffeine later I had a hickey and very little recollection of what had happened. But I'm pretty sure it was Tom who gave it to me. Damn bastard denied it. I'll show him! *shakes fist threateningly*

2003-10-05T22:53:00.000-04:00

Yay! New background. I'm surprised it actually worked. It took a little while to get it all together, but I think in the end it looks rather nice. If you don't think so too bad for you. Anyways, yesterday I went to Tom's family "Oktoberfest" party. And I was really quite fun. It took a while to fin the place cuz it was raining and my mom kept threatening to turn around and take me home every 3 minutes, even when we were about 50 feet from the place. And of course Tom wasn't even there when I came and he decided to call me on the way there to try to give me directions. And my mom, being the calm and reasonable person she is, kept screaming in my ear every time Tom told me where to go. But then I got there and helped Tom get some stuff out of his car, and by help I mean stand to the side and watch him carry the stuff inside. When we finally got to the place and put the stuff down, Tom's cousins came with a big platter of brownies. Being the nice person that I am I asked if I could help him with those. And of course since he doesn't know me he handed me the platter. I tried to run away but Tom stopped me and made me give them back. :-(. Then all the cousin people had to do a haunted trail type thing where we all put on masks and scared little kids as the rode by on a quad. I got my pants all dirty but it was worth it to see Tom run into a tree with his monkey mask. Then we went back to the party and ate lots of food and watched the sumo wrestlingm which was very interesting. The fat suits made everyone look all stumpy. After that Tom's uncle's band played a bunch of songs while I hung out with Tom and Scott. Scott is such a sad little kid. It made me just wanna give him a big hug. And I did. He said it helped. Tom's band plaed next. The played their three originals songs and some covers. Tom dedicated 99 red balloons to me. Its one of my favorite songs. After that it was mostly eating and sitting in a corner with Tom while listening to music and watching drunk people sumo wrestle. We got home around 3 in the morning when it was freezing cold out. Tom ended up asking me out. And I don't know what to say. I don't even know if I want to go out with anyone right now. Whatever I have time to think about it. And today I went to the Silvertide concert with Mia and her brother, Ian. It was really fun. And I touched the lead songer's ass. Go me! Oh yea and on the way home a 23 year-old hit on me. Yucky. That's it I guess. Now on to the extra long weekend Monday.

2003-10-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

So I was hanging out was hanging out at the bottom of the hill yesterday after school with Tom, Mel, David, Lex, Lenard, Squeaky, Mia, and these two freshmen, John and Matt. I yelled at David for forgetting to bring my pack to school so he gave me a crappy USA. But I had already gotten a Red from Squeak so it was all good. It was funny though cuz John kept trying to sit next to Squeak and talk to her cuz he thoght she was hot. and I mean who doesn't, but she's so obviously mine! So I told him to "back off, bitch". Then I got a bunch of hugs from Squeak before she left to go home. Then there was lots of sitting on Tom's lap and the freshmen trying to get us to hook up. We didn't cuz I hate pda's. And plus I still don't know how I feel about Tom. He's such a sweet heart though. I just wish I wasn't so mean to him. Anyways, later, when I finally got free of Tom's lap, I stole his shoe and run away with it to the library and left it there. Then Mel ran after it while I went to try to get my stuff from Tom. He got mad at me cuz I was being mean to him. So I turned around to go get his shoe, but as I walked onto the grass Matt ran up to me and jumped on me. Of course I fell but I also ended up hitting my head on the curb. It didn't really hurt at first. But then the pain kicked in and I got really sleepy. So Mia made me go to the hospital. That whole visit really sucked. I couldn't remember a bunch of things. But the catscan said there was no serious damage so I got to go home. But I wasn't allowed to go to school today cuz I wasn't feeling good at all. Tom is supposed to come visit me today so that'll be fun. Maybe my head will stop hurting in the not too distant future.

2003-09-26T23:08:00.000-04:00

I went to Tom's band practice today. Apparently girls aren't allowed to come because the guys would be "distracted". But Tom's mom made a special exception for me today. So I was happy. The band was really good and they played nirvana and 99 red balloons for me. It was so incredibly loud in that band room. Everyone but me was sweating so much. But then again I was the only one sitting right by the air conditioner. So I just sat there, having rejected the freakish orange nipple ear plugs and watched Tom make funny faces while drumming. They took a break after a while and we all went down to eat some ramen soup and drink some kool-aid. Then more loud music. When that was over we hung out in Tom's living room and called every single person we knew to try to get a ride to the mall. Finally we reached Tom's parents and they came to give us a ride. Tom's mom told me that I was in charge of the guys and had to keep them out of trouble. Ha! That's funny. Anyways, we met up with Aleks, Dave, and Mel at Deb and Aleks was nice enough to give me caffeine pills and a cigarette. The pills didn't do much for me though. I need Vivarin. That's my heroin. Tom bought me some water to wash down the pills. Such a gentleman. Then I went around trying to lick people. But I didn't really try to eat anything this time. Probably due to the suckiness of the pills. It was fun though. Lots of Tom following me around and trying to hold me or pet me. He's adorable. Ya just wanna give him a hug. Chubby people are the best to hug. And I was always a chubby-chaser. Not that I'm actually going after Tom. But anyways, we just basically hung out outside the food court and then watched some guy who od'ed on heroin get pick up in an ambulance. The damn paramedics sure took their damn time getting to the guy. He looked really creepy when they got him out. His eyes were all rolled to the back of his head. And he was all blue. That was pretty much the extent of the night. My mom came and picked me and Tom up after that. And I was blowing a bubble with the gum from the lollipop we shared and Tom popped it so now my mouth is sticky. It's yucky. Now tomorrow I'm supposed to go down to south street with Aleks, Squeak, and Dougie. And then on Sunday me and Tom are going to bake a cake and eat it. Good stuff.

2003-09-04T17:19:00.000-04:00

Hehehe! Look what I learned in web design class! Can't wait until it annoys the hell out of people.

2003-09-03T18:31:00.000-04:00

Am being very bad. Should be studying for the AP US History test tomorrow on colonization and all that good stuff. But instead am sneaking away to keep my loyal readers informed. That is if any of them remain after my frequent absences. But today was rather blah edging on annoying. I always hate the first day of school. Its all just so unorganized and I become very disoriented and disheveled and some other types of 'dis' words that apply. Now lets go through the list. The day started out pretty ok considering it was raining. But I got a bracelet and a sandal keychain from Kelsey (I love souvenirs!) and a copy of 4 tragedies by Shakespeare including Hamlet *giddy squeak* from Squeaky. Have I mentioned I loved that girl? She gives the best presents. Must remember to go out and get her somethine especially since I have a job now. Of course I won't have a clue of what to get her since I suck at that type of thing. Oh and I was very amused with the way Tash greeted me:

Tash: Oh, Polina I haven't seen you in a while.
*Hug*
::Immediately:: (evil voice) Tash: You owe me $6!
Aren't friends so nice?

Anyways I'm getting sidetracked. And there isn't any time to lose on my schedule. So I'm walking to Analysis, which is all know is taught by Cendrowski, and Diane stops me in the hall to say hi. After telling her of my destination, she grabbed me by the shoulders and told me to just kill myself now. This was not very comforting. But besides a couple of obvious scare tactics and some book dropping it wasn't nearly as painful as say, slamming your head in an oven. Yet. Next was gym. As far as I could tell there were about 40 kids in that gym room. Which is a good sign that it won't be co-ed. Which normally would piss me off but as I'm definitely not in the mood to be made uncomfortable this year, it'd just be easier to avoid certain people.

Honors Chemistry...hmmm...somehow I don't remember much of that class. I know we got a packet and I remember sitting next to Squeaky with her enormous book which she kept flipping through and showing me the pictures. And I remember something about a baby. Anyways, then I went to AP US History with Pezza. Again I sat next to Squeak, thinking maybe her smartness will rub off on me this year. That was when I finally got to eat my brownie too. We discussed the essay we did during the summer and I'm convinced I did very poorly on it. And now we have a test on it tomorrow as I previously mentioned. Aleks berated us for not sitting with her and then went to the other side of the room in disgust when we wouldn't. At least I think it was disgust. I wouldn't put it past her. Her being all disgusting and everything, jk. Of course I'm kidding (sorta) because I sat with her next period in Honors English. This class I'm also looking forward to. We're reading Julius Caesar right now. And so far it isn't too bad. Eventually we're gonna be reading One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, which I already read, and that should be fun to discuss. Website Design was kinda boring today. Mostly I just tried to memorize my login name and password for the computer and talked to Tamaccio about "the good old days". Spanish was just plain frustrating. My damn teacher from last year stuck me in midtrack and I can already tell its gonna be very degrading to be in that class. Poor me. Last but not least, I had study hall. I got to hang out with Mia but she only has that study hall on Wednesdays. I'll be so alone the rest of the week. I guess I can just use that class to catch up on homework. Oh what a year this will be.

2003-08-31T21:17:00.000-04:00

Where have my comments gone? Po is sad. Life isn't so great right now, because certain people I will not be naming have hurt me very badly after I decided to trust them again. I don't understand why things happen the way they do. Life is a very cruel joke. Gee, I just can't wait until the punch line. Let me guess, its "life sucked and now you're dead". Ha. Ha. Ha. Except I'm not amused. I'm in pain. Life hurts. I want to be put out of my misery. I know I shouldn't dwell on this kind of crap.The world won't stop turning, the sun won't stop shining, the rain won't stop falling. Because I am insignificant. I don't matter. In a world with billions of people, I am just a speck. Have you ever had that pain in your chest where your heart is. And it just twists and pulls until you feel so sick you want to pass out. Nothing helps. It just stays and eats you alive. There's nothing you can do. Will it ever go away, you think. And it might. Or it will haunt you 'til the day you die. You just don't notice it after a while. Internal bleeding. It can kill you. The blood will spill from your body and you will be a pile of skin and bones. But the pain will still be there. Hands shake. Head spins. And you wish for the consolation of a knife. Red becomes the only color you see. But you need the color. Life has become dark and dull. You need the red and sharpness to get through your day. It doesn't feel as bad if the pain is self inflicted. You have control. The only control you can get....................

Sorry that probably made no sense. I'm ok, really. I'll live...............

2003-08-29T20:32:00.000-04:00

So work isn't that hard. I just basically count pills, get medications from the shelves, bag the meds, and then ring up people's presciptions. And I get to play with a scanning gun which makes a cool beep noise when you use it. I'm a dork, I know. It was very tiring though. Apparently Rite Aid doesn't believe in chairs. So the entire 4 hours I ended up standing. My back and feet were killing me when I got home. And tomorrow I have to work for 8 hours straight so I don't know how I'm going to live through that. Its not so bad though. The pay is pretty good.

Anyways, today was the first field hockey game. It went pretty well in my opinion. Both jv and varsity shut out St. Basil's. Our score was 3 to 0. And I did really well. Coach Lawlor was very happy with me. So I was happy about that but I was sweating so bad. I had worn a beater underneath my jersey and when I took off the jersey the beater was completely soaked in sweat. It was so gross. And after that I had to go to the library looking like that. At least I wasn't smelling too bad because of my body wipes. But then my grandpa came to pick me up after surgery and I got to go home and shower. Then Kenny came over to hang out. We talked for like 2 hours. Then we got bored and played boob tag for another half hour. That's Kenny's and mine favorite game. We used to play it all the time back when it was just me, Dennis, Aleks, and him. But Dennis would always get mad and tell Kenny to "lay off". Then we kinda just stopped hanging out. But anyways, it was fun hanging out again. We're supposed to hang out again on Sunday.

2003-08-27T20:22:00.000-04:00

Well, I've finally finished American Political Tradition. So you can all be very proud. Now I just have to start the AD book, Death Comes for the Archbishop. Well I actually already started it a while ago so basically finish it. This will be a very busy year for me. School, field hockey, work, Academic Decathlon, lacrosse, and my personal research project. Oh did I mention I start work tomorrow? I will officially be a Rite Aid pharmacy technician in training! Go me! I have to train tomorrow 5-9 and then on Saturday 9-5, the entire time being paid for not actual work. And then I can start the actual work next week. I know I'm a big dork cuz I'm all excited but this will be a very good thing for me. I can learn responsibility and all that good stuff and I get paid! I will finally have some money. Which is shallow, I know, but let me have my happiness. Today I had to go shopping for pants because you're not allowed to wear jeans to work. I don't know what idiot came up with that rule because when you work at a pharmacy it is always somehow either elevated or closed up so no one even has the slightest chance of even knowing of whether or not you're wearing pants let alone what kind they are. So I now have three more girl pants and no one will ever see me in them. Which is very good.

2003-08-24T10:57:00.000-04:00

Ack! Nothing to write about. But Squeak says I should write so I'm gonna try. Today I'm supposed to hang out with Dougie so that we can finally finish The Fellowship of the Ring. We started watching it like 2 weeks ago. And we only got to the mines of moria part before we had to stop. I don't quite recall why we stopped in the first place though. But we did so we decided to finish watching it later. We were gonna watch it on friday but i fell asleep. Silly me. I'm also supposed to see Dennis today, which Mia will hate me for. But he apparently changed so we're gonna talk. Maybe something good will come out of it. Of course I'm going to have to hurt him for what he already did. But he admitted that he deserves it so it's all good. Now back to peacefully listening to my nirvana. *less is more, love is blind*

2003-08-13T16:10:00.000-04:00

So field hockey started on Monday. That's 4 and a half hours of practice every day. The drills aren't so bad, but the running is pure torture. I am not a big fan of running to begin with. And doing it somuch for so long is killing my muscles. At least I haven't had any problems with my breathing. I'm just so sore and tired now. I'm also living on water. I can't eat that much except for dinner cuz I'll throw up. So instead I just keep drinking water. This does nothing to help out my bladder. And I have to take out all my earrings for practice, half of which are currently infected. The coaches said I can keep in my top earring because its new. But when its time to play a game I definitely need to take it out. It better not close because I'm fucking tired of piercing the same spot over and over. I'm bored of my daily structure too. Sleep, practice, eat, sleep, practice, eat sleep. Not much time in there to do anything else. So I now only have a life on the weekends. Fun fun. Now I'm gonna go rest some more, I have practice in an hour.

2003-08-08T20:53:00.000-04:00

Good stuff, you are "Wedding? I love
weddings! Drinks all around." You're the
life of the party and nothing gets you down,
not even certain death at the hands of your
zombie nemesis or the Navy. Come to think of
it, realism isn't your strong suit...

Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-08-06T13:19:00.000-04:00

Black:
PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE
KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH
SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the
world. For reasons who knows, but you
definately hate life.

href=http://www.saradover.com>Made by
Sara

What color do you see the world in?
brought to you by Quizilla

Btw, I cannot for the life of me stop listening to the soundtrack of Pirates of the Caribbean. DAmn you Tash, this is all your doing!

2003-08-04T22:34:00.000-04:00

So today was a huge waste of time. I slept like almost the entire day. And then I ate yucky spaghetti wiht nothing on it cuz some damn people don't appreciate the wonder that is sauce. I also decided that I don't like scooby doo. He eats too much. Especially when he eats other people's food and then they don't get made just cuz he's scooby. What makes him so damn special? I'll show him! I actually have nothing to say at this point. I'm only writing because Squeaky complained that I don't write enough and that I'm "interesting". This will show her! Now off to write to my penpal.

2003-07-30T21:42:00.000-04:00

Stephen Lynch: Superhero

If I could a superhero,
I would be Awesome Man.
I'd fly around the world fighting crime,
According to my awesome plan.
And if I saw criminals trying to lie,
Hurting other people and making them cry.
I'd haul them off to jail in my awesome van,
Cuz I would be Awesome Man.

If I could be a superhero,
I would be Drug-free Boy.
Telling the world of the evils of drugs,
And all of the lives they destroy.
Well, I'd take all the junkies getting so high,
With their needles and bongs and their sticks made of tai.
As I burn them alive I would squeal with joy,
Cuz I would be Drug-free Boy.

If I could be a superhero,
I'd be Immigration Dude.
I'd send all the foreigners back to their homes,
For eating up all of our food.
And taking our welfare and best jobs to boot,
Like landscaping, dishwashing, picking our fruit.
I'd pass a lot of laws to get rid of their brood,
Cuz I'd be Immigration Dude.

*Now kids, you can make up your very own superheroes. If you could, who would you be?*

If I could be a superhero,
Would you be Justice Guy?
Making sure people get what they deserve,
Especially women who lie.
Like if a wife left her husband with 3 kids and no job,
To run off to fucking Hawai with some doctor named Bob.
You could skin them and drain them of blood so they die (especially Bob),
Then you would be justicce guy.
Or you could be more subtle, no I didn't mean to be vague,
Give her the mad cow disease, let him die of the plague.
As long as they suffer for their terrible lies (especially Bob),
Then you would be Justice Guy.

2003-07-28T20:07:00.000-04:00

Went to work on my thirty hours for field hockey again today. I was doing stickwork when Melanie and Eva came over. Then we went to run the mile together. And guess what I got? 7:43!!!!! That's like my best mile time ever! I'm so proud. But now I just have to make sure it doesn't get any longer in the next two weeks. So then I would have the varsity mile time. Go me! And on another note, I can't wait to go to the zoo tomorrow. Fun fun.

2003-07-27T12:30:00.000-04:00

Its freezing inside my house. I'm wearing a hoodie and its supposed to be 85 degrees outside. Dougie is supposed to come over today to finish the math packet. I've alreadyread one of my AP US History packets and started the second one, I've gotten about a 100 pages of APT read, and my essay is half done. So I'm slowly decreasing my workload which makes Po a very giddy little girl indeed. Today I'll be finished the math packet and hopefully the essay. I'm very proud that I'm being so productive, especially in July. Usually this is my sleep and eat phase, where basically I sleep til 1 and eat lots of junk food. But now I'm exercising, working, and getting up at 10:30. I've grown so much. *tear*

Dougie and I are supposed to go to the zoo on Tuesday. And I can't wait since I love the zoo. I'll get to spend 20 minutes staring at the praire dogs again. And monkeys! There will be lots of moneys. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Which is good cuz I've been feeling very down lately so this should make me happier. Plus I'll be with Dougie so it'll be all good. Now I must go and think of an excuse to get out of going to a relative's party tonight. Shouldn't be too hard. Might not even need a reason if my parents are in a good mood.

2003-07-25T18:48:00.000-04:00

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?

this quiz was made by the changelings at Spookbot

Which reminds me. Has anyone seen my underpants? The blue flame ones with the matching garter belt and corset. I'd like them back. I have an upcoming date with a one Thomas Culpepper. Ta!

2003-07-23T15:30:00.000-04:00

What a boring few days its been. Mostly just sat around and listened to music. But I am proud that I keep going to the track and running. My mile time sucks though. I got an 8:40 last time I tried. And I have to get and 8:15 to qualify for varsity field hockey. So that's like 25 seconds I have to cut off. And my how long 25 seconds seem when you're running around in circles. I wish I was more in shape. And I keep trying but it doesn't seem to be working so far. But it has been only about two weeks. Maybe by August 11th, when field hockey starts, I'll actually be able to run without getting so winded. Until then, I am a slave to the track.

2003-07-21T13:05:00.000-04:00

Went to see Pirates of the Caribbean with Squeak yesterday. Thought it was very good, especially the parts that had Johnny Depp in them. Am already plotting to rape him and have his children. Also gave Squeak the evil penguin I had bought for her. She accepted its evilness and loves it nonetheless. Especially when it makes the noise of a dying penguin. After I got home I went to buy a flashlight because I lost my old one and I need some source of light when my mazi parents make me turn out my light at 11. That way I can still read or write when they're asleep. I think that's so sad. Now I'm just waiting for Dougie to come over so that we can work on our math packets together. We'll just see exactly how much work we get down. We can get very distracted when school work is involved. I think I'll have some tea before he comes.

2003-07-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

courtesy of squeak:

Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican

What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

2003-07-19T17:24:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm being trusted again. My mom actually let me spend all of yesterday at home by myself. And I was looking forward to going out that night and finally seeing Pirates of the Caribbean with Squeak but she couldn't come so I ended up staying home and reading the AP US History packet and taking notes on it. I finished the smaller one and as soon as I finish the bigger one I'm going to start on my DBQ essay. Hopefully some one will volunteer to read it over for me and tell me where I messed up horribly so I can attempt to salvage it. As you can tell I'm not very secure in my essay-writing talents. But hopefully I'll actually do good in this class and stop procrastinating so much.

Anyways, I'm going to babysit in about two hours. Can't wait cuz I haven't seen the kids in a while and cuz I need the money. But I'll probably be stuck playing Connect Four 30 times in a row and watching Spongebob. Why does it always seem like there's a marathon of Spongebob everytime I go to babysit. My eyes burn after just an hour or two. But at least they have good food I can eat and when the kids go to bed I can watch comedy central in the playroom and drink a couple cups of tea. Actually I think I might bring American Political Tradition with me so I can get some reading and notes done for it. I can only read about 10 pages in a row before I start to daydream or fall asleep so I have to start reading it early. Either that or Death Comes for the Archbishop, which I don't like very much but at least its better than APT.

2003-07-17T16:00:00.000-04:00

So now I'm stuck going to my grandparents' house every weekday cuz I cut my arm. Its not even that bad and my mom freaked out. She's not talking to me now cuz I was a bitch to my therapist and basically told him he was stupid and that teenagers know more than him. Plus I also yelled at her for coming into my room all the time and not giving me space when I'm upset. I don't really know why I've been acting like this though. Usually I can put up with all the questioning from my mom and therapist. But now its like I have the shortest fuse ever. And it doesn't help that I've been pretty depressed for a while now. Starting to hear things again, probably because of the stress. I can't take much more of this. I'm gonna keep freaking out until something bad happens. David said he could help me but he didn't say how or when. We'll see what becomes of that. Although I doubt anything will. I am still upset about the whole Dennis thing, but I think I'm getting over it now. Which is good cuz I don't need more things getting me down.

I just wish I could stay at home instead of going to my grandparents' house. Its so boring and there's nothing to do, except maybe go on the computer and read my book. By the way, I finally got around to starting the new Harry Potter book. It might take me a little bit to get through it though cuz I have no ambition whatsoever right now. And after that I have to finish Death Comes for the Archbishop for Academic Decathlon which Tash signed me up for *glares in her direction*. But I guess it's not so bad cuz it gives me something to do over the summer but its been hard concentrating on anything recently. Then after that I have to work on my essay and reading for AP U.S. History, a class I'm actually looking forward to. Then the math packet, more studying for AD, and SAT practice. Doesn't sound like much when you write it down but once I get to it I'm gonna be even more stressed than I am right now. That's why I've been putting things like that off. Maybe once I cool down a bit and take a break from school work for Harry Potter than I'll feel better and get to the important stuff. But right now it seems like it could take a while.

2003-07-06T19:52:00.000-04:00

Just got home yesterday and now I'm leaving again tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to Wildwood with my parents and Mia. But Mia might not come, especially if she doesn't call me back. Well, we'll juts have to see. Otherwise its gonna be just a getting away from everything and reading vacation. Who knows though. Maybe some family bonding will occur. I shudder at the thought. Marklar and Piddles are going to my grandparents with Fluffy. And knowing my grandma, they'll all come back twice as fat as they are now. Hope they don't die from over eating.

2003-06-27T14:46:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm all packed now. Just have to wait until my mom drives me over to Mia's house. I'm supposed to sleep over her house so that we can leave early tomorrow. The only things I still need to remember are my phone and my meds. Anyways, there's not much else to say. I just hope I can get my mind off of Dennis when I'm there. I don't need depression ruining my vacation. And in other good news, I supposed to go to Wildwood on the 7th. Can't wait. Fun fun summer! Call my cell if you miss me this week.

2003-06-26T14:59:00.000-04:00

More exercising. I'm starting to hate the people in the exercise videos. I wonder how much they get paid for making videos of pure torture. Cuz if I tried I could make some of my own. Although that would be a different kind of torture. Kinky toture! (Yes, I do have issues) But alas, I still have to do them to get into a shape that isn't round. Not that I'm complaining. I like my body, but its those little capsules of fat which have chosen to attack my thighs and tummy. And I will rescue them! Even if it kills me. That way in my next life I'll be anorexic. Once again, to clarify, don't really want it to happen.

I've also kinda started packing for Cape May. I asked Mia what size bag she's taking so I don't end up bringing enough clothes to dress all of the little kids in those starving countries commercials. (Which, by the way, annoy the hell out of me because the damn evil guy in the commercial always walks with a barefoot little girl who he forces to walk on a not very pleasant surface. Bastard!) Anyways, she had no idea so I'll probably end up overpacking anyways. Oh well, I tried.

2003-06-26T10:38:00.000-04:00

Walked/jogged 4 miles today. Ok so it was mostly walking but it was my first day of getting in shape. Damn field hockey requirements! Only 27 more hours to go though. I'm trying to go over though just so I won't die when pre-season training starts. Field hockey has the longest season ever! Its about August to October. I'm really sore right now, but I got a nice tan on my upper body. My legs just don't tan that easily. I'll show them tanning! In other news, I've been studying for SATs which I plan to take in November (just in case I do bad, so I can try it again). So far I have had a little improvement. I just want to break 600 on each section. Is that too much to ask for? Why, oh why can't I be SAT smart. Gonna go rest now.

2003-06-25T15:31:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday was my first day working at Kelopatra. In case I haven't already told you about it, my job there is to make some of the ugliest and least photogenic people look good in there photos so that they will buy as many as possible because I work on commission. For every photo we sell (they're fucking 15 dollars each), I get $2, which isn't much but hey, considering I spend most of the time just spinning around in a chair and messing on a computer for about 8 hours (which with last nights take would equal about $11 an hours as my pay) its pretty decent. Its all pretty easy, I just have to figure out how to make the printshop work and the guy I work for is very nice and likes to joke a lot. Also while I was there, he gave me a 20 minute break so I could watch the show that Guliy dances in. All I have to say is I disown her as my cousin considering the costumes she wore ranged from ones that would make a stripper blush and ones that I swear I saw at last new year's Mummers Parade (too many clashing bright colors and feathers with a very, very limited use of actual fabric). Which I can tell you is not a good mix at all. I got home about 3 am and couldn't fall asleep til about 6:30, cuz I have a slight cold and was freezing to death. I ended up sleeping in 2 pairs or flannel pants, a normal pair of socks and a pair of extra long and thick socks I stole from my dad, a shirt, and a big hoodie all combined with two very thick blankets. And I was still cold. My throat feels better today though cuz of lots and lots of tea. And I think my fever is down too, cuz I'm hot in just a tank top and pants.

2003-06-24T19:41:00.000-04:00

Am currently sad, sad excuse for a Po. Everything I would normally believe in and be able to avoid is now happening. Whatever happened to not caring so much about a guy. And being able to not think about him when you're all alone or see his picture. What happened to "I don't need anyone to make me happy". Well actually I guess I can still be happy. But then I lay down on my bed and look at the pictures on my wall and my thoughts instantly turn to Dennis. I miss him, I really do. Sure, you all say, but he's just a stupid silly albino boy. But he was MY stupid silly albino boy. And if this whole "break" ends in a break up then I really will be depressed. Well people who don't read this will think I'm fine. I'll be able to act completely normal on the outside once I cry, sleep, and starve myself for a while. I'll be good old Po who won't let a stupid guy get her down. Who doesn't show affection to guys. Who doesn't open up and tell people she loves them (well rarely). But whoever reads this will know. I'm tired of trying to believe that I'm super-fucking-Po. I do get hurt. Bad. And I do feel strongly about Dennis, though how strongly I will never again admit. And this past week I would have like nothing better than to have ripped my heart out with my own hands just to get rid of the heavy weight inside it. I'm trying to be ok. It's really not so bad if I don't think about it. Like I am now. So much so that my head is spinning very fast. And its getting harder to find the keys. I'm done crying and sleeping and starving. At least for now. I just need the break to end. Either way I need to know where this is going, or not going. *tear*

2003-06-21T18:09:00.000-04:00

Why do things we don't want to happen happen? I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. I tried to stop it. Was it because I didn't try hard enough. Or am I completely absolved of guilt for it. I'd rather have been the one beat up. Physical pain hurts less. Yea but tell that to the part of my wrist that is currently missing some skin. I wish I was dead. This is what I get for ignoring my judgement about everything I considered to be vulnerable. Now look where I am. Broken hearted. Alone in my room with the lights out. Eyes puffy and red from crying. Bandaged wrist. Dizzy and nauseous from not havung eaten since yesterday. This isn't good. Someone please pass me a sharp object.

2003-06-21T17:39:00.000-04:00

ilovebabypie
Magic Number	15
Job	Porn Star
Personality	Focussed And Driven
Temperament	An Oft-Exploding Volcano
Sexual	Whatever, Whenever, Whoever
Likely To Win	A Place On The Bench (For The Reserves)
Me - In A Word	Unique
Colour
Brought to you by MemeJack

2003-06-19T20:22:00.000-04:00

1. Name: Po

2. If you were going to be the opposite sex, what would your name have been?: still Polina, I was named before I was born

3. Age: 16

4. How old do you look?: Well all I can say is that most people think I'm about 14, but I have had older people hitting on my thinking I was 20. So I don't know.

7. What did you do yesterday? slept a lot and ate food

8.Today?: slept a lot, went out to Arby's with my mom, and bought food for Piddles and Marklar (isnt that just so exciting)

9. What are your plans for the weekend?: not sure yet

10. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?: closed, but sometimes open to see wat dennis looks like at the moment

11. Sexiest thing about the opposite sex?: eyes, i'd do anything for pretty eyes

12. Do you sing in the shower?: no, but I do sing in my room sometimes

13. When is the last time you cried?: monday, cuz of something i realized about dennis

14. Who was the person you liked the longest?: i like *gasp* james tholey, but now i definetly dont, i like my little albino boy

15. Are you in love with anyone right now? cant say

16. Have you ever said I love you to someone and meant it?: yes, but wont say to whom

17. Does anything on your body itch right now?: my back, I don't know y

18. What color is the carpet in your bedroom?: i hav hardwood floors, buy my imaginary carpet is dark blue

19. Have you ever had a member of the opposite sex in your bedroom?: o yes, many times

20. Who is the sexiest man alive?: id hav to agree wit squeak and mia, brad pitt, but also sean patrick thomas

21. If your house was on fire and you could only save one item what would you save?: my babies, Marklar and Piddles

22. Who was your first best friend?: Michael in the 1st grade, he helped me learn english but the bastard moved to florida in 3rd grade

23. Who is the next person you'll buy a b-day gift for?: not sure, im bad at remembering these things

24. Whats your fave number?: 11

25. Have you ever gotten detention? nope

26. Where is your favorite place to go on vacation?: Les Saintes, I think thats how its spelled

27. What's your favorite animal?: tiger

28. Do you like playing truth or dare?: yea, and dares r more fun

29. How many times a week do you bathe: i shower everyday, but the last time i took a bath was at dennis' house with him

30. Perfect Wedding Song: that song from the wedding singer, i dont remember wat its called

31. Do you have a boy/girl friend?: yes

33. Who is the person that knows the most about you?: me and the people who reside in my head

34. Whats your deepest darkest secret?: i cant say but its something everyone has been wondering about

35. Funniest Joke you ever heard? how shud i kno

36. Saddest movie: crybaby, its just soooo cheesy

38: Last movie you saw in the theater: half of bruce almighty, thanks mia, i love u

39. When's the last time you rode a bike:long long time ago

40. What's it like outside: i dont kno, my blinds r down and im sitting with the light out

41. What is the first thing you do in the morning?: put in my contacts

42. Last concert you went to: nfg/gc, sry mia

43. Have you ever had phone sex?: no its creepy, i prefer it in person

44. Do you have any piercings?: three on each ear and my nose

45. What do you wear to work?: i dont work

46. Can you touch your toes without bending your knees?: yup, im flexible, it comes in handy

47. Food you couldn't live without: baby pie and gerber's apple sauce

48. Do you own handcuffs?: no, but dennis does

49. Do you like your friends?: duh

50. Who has hurt you the most: me and the people who reside in my head

2003-06-19T19:12:00.000-04:00

Just got back from New York. And by "just" I mean 3 days ago. But I have already unpacked all the clothes and washed them. Now all that is left is to unpack everything else and dry the clean clothing. Fun fun. And I was asupposed to sleep over Dennis' hosue but he keeps having something to do so I might not even see him very often. He starts work on Thursday and it'll be just like school, except I won't see him in the mornings and every few hours. But in happier news, my mom took me to Arby's and I got an "ultimate BLT" which wasn't so much ultimate as it was lettuce infested. The lettuce was actually protruding several inches outside of the bread. But it still was pretty good.

2003-06-11T19:24:00.000-04:00

Excerpt from "Up Your Score":

Who Are These People Anyways?

Jason Abaluck

Jason Abaluck spends his days eating stickhorn (not the poisonous kind) and his nights enjoying bacchanalian revelry. He is currently searching for a girl with an irrepressible fetish for high standardized test scores. He's probably at Harvard now, unless some other university gave him a house made out of cookies with cherries in the middle. At Lower Moreland High School, he did everything except football, basketball, and cheerleading (though he was in the Pep Band). He was the captain of anything with the words academic or scholastic in it, coeditor of the yearbook, and the founder of the Ping-Pong Club. Valedictorian of his class, he is also the Pennsylvania Academic Decathlon champion, a Presidential Scholar, and has been declared "excellent". He recently discovered that the word "boob" can be used as a verb.

Intimidated much? Well, except the cookie house and boob part.

2003-06-03T17:10:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm finally home. And I kinda wish I wasn't. I mean yea its great that I can sleep in my own bed, see you guys, and go to the bathroom when I want to, but I liked the security and safeness there. No one could bother me and if I wasn't feeling good then I'd have like 3 nurses to help me. Now I'm out and I have to be responsible for my own problems and get added on to the the problems in the real world. Like school. I'm so gonna fail this year. And I have no clue how they expect me to take finals since I can't come to school for at least 2 weeks, by which point it will be over. So I'm horribly depressed about that right now. I was feeling so good when I was leaving yesterday, but now reality has kinda crashed down on me and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it. I even missed my baby shower. I have way too many things to be depressed about. I know I should just suck it up and deal with it cuz I'm not the only person in the world with my problems, but with all the clinical labels I have its almost impossible not to get buried under all that crap. I wish they could just pass me and let me out of school to recuperate (?), cuz after all its what's best for me. Wouldn't that be nice. But then you guys would get mad at me cuz I'm getting special treatment. I doubt that would happen anyways. There's like a million to one odds for that. I just can't deal with everything. I have no coping skills. Pity Po.

2003-05-18T19:32:00.000-04:00

Are you PC? Do you want to be? If not, you're a rascist, fascist, sexist pig! But you can change. Just click here!

2003-05-15T17:41:00.000-04:00

I'm leaving for New York tomorrow after school. I can't wait! But sadly I have to take a bunch of quizes and a test before I can go. Stupid teachers. But I'm gonna let that ruin anything. I will get to see my cousin, and Kalki and Nick! Yay!!! It's the two "ugly guys" in case you didn't know. Now back to incense, Marklar and Piddles, and my silly ska music.

2003-05-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

Fucking blogger erased my post. Guess you'll never know what happened yesterday.

2003-05-05T17:12:00.000-04:00

Hmmm.... What to write.... Nothing interesting going on I guess. Life sucks. I feel like crap all the time. And my mom blames me because I decided to get off my anti-psychotics. I've always hated them so I figured I'd stop taking them. It's all probably heavy withdrawl. I'll live I guess. Becca's party was fun. Lots of smoking with Squeak and Aleks. And Casey always came along although she didn't smoke anything. Then I kept feeling like crap and totally out of it. But I had a good time anyways. Fun talks. Raiding Becca's fridge. Green ketchup. Molesting all the girls. Avoiding the ever pressing question of my sexual preference. (no one will ever know, hehehe) Good times. Good times. And the concert was fun, even though we came late and once again I wasn't feeling good. And that earlier in the day I got hit in the face with a ball. So now I got a bruise under my eye. Fun. And now I'm staying home from school cuz I could barely stand up today let alone walk down the stairs without cracking my head open. But I managed to get up and attempt to clean my room and wash the dishes so my parents won't kill me because they think my feeling bad is all my fault and that I shouldn't stay home.

2003-04-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

I think this is what Tash was telling me about before.

2003-04-13T22:49:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I spent most of the day washing my clothes. Then drying my clothes. Then wrinkle-releasing my clothes. Then folding my clothes. And then finally putting away my clothes. So you can imagine my excitement when I got picked up at 6:30 to go to my babysitting job. (I even got a brand new purse to take my book along in. You all should be very proud, its my first purse ever. I might just be a real girl yet.) It was for this really nice family who moved here recently. They had two kids, Robert who was 5 and Chelsea who was 7. They were so cute and such good kids. (So much for Mia's theory that all little boys are monsters.) The only problem I had was understanding the little boy. They both have a speech impedement and get speech therapy. But Chelsea is easy to understand while Robert is about as easy to understand as a normal person with food in their mouth, choking, underwater. But fortuneately Chelsea can translate him most of the time. Anyways, it took a while to get them to bed but I finally did it and rewarded myself with some tasty food in the fridge. All in all the day was saved by the babysitting. If it wasn't for that I might have hanged myself from boredom. But I did get a lot of reading done for In Country. I don't know if you guys have started it yet but I think I actually like this book. While its not exactly classic, quality literature, it is pretty decent and doesn't sugar coat real-life things. I like its honesty. Its kinda like the whole Catcher thing. But the tense thing in Part 1 pissed me off so much! Anyone else have some comments?

2003-04-09T18:13:00.000-04:00

I'm bored so what the heck.

A - Act your age?
Most of the time, unless I get into a giddy mood. Those can be ...interesting, to say the least.

B - Born on what day of the week?
Friday, what was that whole week poem tash?

C - Chore you hate?
Washing dishes. I think we're the only family in Lower Moreland who doesn't have a dishwasher.

D - Dad's name?
Peter

E - Essential makeup item?
black eyeliner, otherwise I don't really wear makeup unless I'm going out or I want to look *extra* pretty

F - Favorite actor?
I don't really have one. Or at least one I can think of right now. But Brad Pitt is pretty if not an exceptional actor. Does that count?

G - Gold or silver?
Silver, gold is definitely tacky.

H - Hometown?
Kiev, Ukraine. Represent!!!

I - Instruments you play?
Well I'm learning to play the guitar. Although the class is such a joke. And I can play "Cheeseburger in Paradise" better than anyone! So ha! Beat that! And yeah, the name is corny.

J - Job title?
I definitely need one. I'm broke!

K - Kids?
Hmmm, do I even remember all their names? Most recent is George, although he's still technically unborn. Then there was a whole series of them back from eighth grade. I don't remember all their names. Something about variations of John and Michael. There were at least four of those. Oh geez, I could go on for hours.

L - Living arrangements?
I live in a small room that might as well be in the different country when anyone's home. Unless of course my parents get the annual urge to "bond". So usually I'm left alone. But I still can't wait to get out of this house.

M - Mum's name?
Victoria

N - Number of people you've slept with?
Ummm.....Oh look there's the next question! Let's go answer that one!

O - Overnight hospital stays?
Never overnight, but I've been there many, many times before.

P - Phobia?
Open spaces. They're so creepy. Someone could be out there trying to kill you! And mirrors. I've always had the feeling that there are strategically placed cameras behind all the mirrors in the world so that people can spy on me. Only they spy on just me so its more creepy. Yeah, yeah make fun all you want, but when I uncover the conspiracy I'll be the one laughing!

Q - Quote you like?
"This above all to thine own self be true." Quote from a very odd speech by Polonius in Hamlet.

R - Religious affiliation?
Wicca, the funnest religion to explain to parents. "Well, umm, its based on the power of nature. And umm it uses magic..." "Magic like a magician?" "No magic like using energies around you to do spells and prayers." "You're A WITCH? Well isn't that cute. So is this a game you play with your friends?"

S - Siblings?
None, unfortunately. I've always wanted a little sister. It mostly comes from my urges to have my own child. Shut up I want a baby damnit! Dennis has offered his help. But he would have ugly babies so that's ok.

T - Time you wake up?
Well, my alarm clock is set for 6. But I usually hit the snooze button a few times. Then my parents wake up and yell at me. So I turn on my light so it looks like I woke up but really I go back to sleep. Then after a while I get up at about 6:40. It's a scientific process I tell you!

U - Unique habit?
Cracking my knuckles is really the only habit I can think of right now. But that's not very unique. I used to be a cleaning schitzo but now I'm on too much medication to be very effective. But I make up for the un-uniqueness here in other "departments".

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat?
Radishes suck. And peas. And beans. And boiled broccoli.

W - Worst habit?
Raping midgets.

X - X-rays you've had?
Lungs, head, stomach. and just about everything else.

Y - Yummy food you make?
Cookies, cake, almost anything sweet.

Z - Zodiac Sign?
Scorpio

2003-04-06T12:50:00.000-04:00

Went out with Dennis yesterday, shocker I know but please try to remain calm. Anyways he had to go shopping cuz apparently he has no clothes. But that damn bastard doesn't have a job and expects his mom to buy all his clothes for him. Come on, $50 for 1 pair of pants is a bit high. So we went around to Hot Topic, where Dennis kept insisting on trying on a pair of red plaid pants wit zippers and chains which was just the most ridiculous pair of pants in the world. So I just walked away until he regained some sense of proper fashion. Then we were walking to Good Times and some lady with the worst makeup and ugliest hairdo stopped us and tried to get us to take a survey for $30. He was actually considering it until the lady said it would take like and hour. So instead we got Dennis' mom to talk to her while we ran away to the food court. I was gonna get a smoothie but for the ten billionth time in a row no one was there. I swear, for the longest time everytime I came up to that place something has always been wrong and i could never get my damn smoothie. I'm officially boycotting the place as of now. Join the fight! See information at www.ihateorangejulius.com/ihavenolife/damnthepatriacrchy.usuck.html

Anyways, so I just got a frosty as Wendy's instead. And as always, I kept smearing it on Dennis' face when he wasn't looking. Oh and the Easter Bunny was there. But Dennis wouldn't let me get my picture taken with him! Damn him. And there was a balloon store too. But Dennis is smelly so I didn't get a balloon either. So finally we left the mall with his mom and sister (i got two really cute shirts!) to go to Bertucci's. The food was good and it was fun playing with the dough they gave us. And Dennis' sister and I had fun writing mean things about Dennis in spanish on an activity paper they gave us to play with. Then for some reason Dennis' mom stayed in the restaruant for a while and we all sat in the car. Dennis and I were just meesing around and when his mom came back she told us it looked like Dennis was sucking my boobs and everyone inside had been staring at us. Although I don't know how it could have looked like that since Dennis was sitting up most of the time and I had my shirt on. It was just the one time when I pulled him over for some unknown reason. Next we went to some weird pharmacy to get Dennis his yucky Axe in the most horrid scent. Well only his mom and sister went into the store. Me and Dennis stayed in the car again. And we really weren't doing anything too bad but once again when they came back they said everyone in the store was staring at our car because it looked like we were doing something innappropriate and also the windows were kinda fogged up a lot. But I don't see why they assumed things. Plus his sister's got a dirty mind for a 13 year old.

Then we went to Dennis' house and we watched the Bone Collector for the second time. I still missed some parts of it but it wasn't my fault this time. It was all Dennis! I seriously can't ever watch an entire movie with the damn guy! Someone always gets "bored". After that his mom kept yelling at us to go downstairs cuz we had been upstairs for "too long". I don't blame her. Especially after she kinda walked into his room and he wasn't wearing pants and we kinda like jumped like 5 feet from each other and pretended that we were looking at the wall or something. Then we started playing GTA3 and I was doing really good until Dennis kept distracting me. After we got bored of that we went for a walk through the cemetery and got some food from the Wawa cuz we were suddenly hungry. The cemetery was fun, cuz......ummmm.....it has..umm....dead people? and....uhhh, yea! That's it! Then I went home at 12 cuz my mom forgot about daylight savings time. Altogether a pretty fun day. By the way do I share too much? You know you like it!

2003-04-03T17:52:00.000-05:00

Today sucked. But practice was interesting. First I got hit in the head with the goalie's stick, which hurt. I mean, I did take a shot at her head the day before but she was wearing a helmet!. Then our two goals got in a big fight cuz one of them hit the other with a ball. It wasn't a big decision about who won. After that we went down to our field for the first time all season. We were standing in line waiting to do a drill, then I said something that people made fun of me for. All I said was "I would have worn [Dennis'] pants but I left them on my bed this morning." Does that sound wrong to anyone else, or was it just the people on the team? :-/

2003-04-02T22:28:00.000-05:00

Ack! Therapy was tonight. Spent a great deal of time talking about all my little "stressors". But at least he didn't charge us anything for the visit since we had to wait 25 extra minutes for him to finish his other business. Progress concerned with that seems non existent. I see no end to the therapy visits and the psychiatrist appointments and the medicine increases and changes. Why won't it ever end? And now Marklar is sick too. He's got some kind of infection or something. There's this little swollen thing on the side of his face. He doesn't seem very bothered by it, his behavior hasn't changed. but it doesn't look very pleasant. Poor thing. I ask everyone to keep him in your thoughts so that he can pull through. Cards are welcomed! :-P Now off to bed before the meds incapacitate me and I won't be able to find my bed in my zombie-like state. Night all.

2003-04-02T11:41:00.000-05:00

Cocaine.
You like to talk,
you like to run,
but most of all you like to have fun.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

The only reason I haven't done many quizes is cuz I don't find them myself. I wait for soeone else to find it and then take it myself if it sounds silly enough to be worth my time and amusement. It's not like I actually use them as a basis for my personality and an accurate analysis for who I am. They're just there to spend a few seconds on when you have nothing better to do. If someone thinks that its stupid, good for them . I really couldn't give a rat's ass. I do what I want. I'm a real rebel when it comes to online quizes *heavy sarcasm implied*

2003-03-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

...........two cups of ice cream and 1 phone call from Dennis later, the world doesn't seem so dark anymore. We'll see what happens tomorrow...........

2003-03-31T17:09:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't a very good day. Pretty crappy actually. I spent 2 and a half periods at the nurse either sleeping or crying. I'm not even sure why I'm so depressed and it really sucks. I felt a little better for a while during gym but then I got really down again. I'm losing it. My moods keep jumping up and down. I have no middle ground anymore. I'm either hyper/happy or horribly depressed. School just seems so pointless.I can barely pay attention anymore. I just wanna crawl into a hole and never talk to anyone ever again. At least the lacrosse game was canceled so I got to go home early. But I spent the entire 2 hours just sitting there staring into space. I can't do anything. I'm just wasting away at the moment. Hopefully today will pick up later. Some reading or sleeping might cheer me up.

2003-03-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

I feel so hollow right now. I wish I had someone to talk to. Even a stupid pointless conversation. Anything. I feel so very alone. Like everyone else in the world is gone. The world has left me behind. And I think, well maybe that's how it should be. Around people I'm not always so good. I pretend to be something I'm not. I play on other people's emotions because I know how to make them do things. I hurt people who don't deserve it. Yeah, yeah, anyone can say positive things to me. But it doesn't hit home. I'm living a lie. I wish I knew who I was. I wish.....I don't know what I want. I guess it's just normal teenage crap. I'm just one of the millions in the ranks. Am I the only one who doesn't know who I am?

2003-03-30T14:28:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back by popular demand or just Aleks' comment. So I guess I'll just tell you guys about my weekend since I really haven't had much to say recently. Friday since practice was canceled Dennis came over my house where I forced him to listen to all my "silly" songs (Squeak you know the ones I'm talking about). After he went home I went to the mall with Squeak where I got 2 shirts and a pair of pants from hot topic ($23.98!!!). Then we spent some time avoiding Cale, Matt, Autumn, Tara, and their whole gang, who by the way caused an accident later that night by walking into a car! And then after I got home Dennis came over cause my parents were at a party for the night and we went walking through the cemetery and eventually back to my house to sit in the big rock outside. Later David showed up, stoned of course. After much confusion and many attempts to mess with David's head, my parents came home and I had to sprint back to my house. Then the next day I came over Dennis' house so I could go out to dinner with him and his family for his birthday. For dessert, the entire table shared a brownie/ice cream/whipped cream/chocolate sauce dessert, although Dennis was the only one to bite the candle. Oh and Dennis was very happy with the present I got him, a new cd player and the linkin park cd. The rest of the night and on to the next day are censored for your safety.

2003-03-23T17:49:00.000-05:00

A must-see for all lotr fans. One Ring to Rule Them All 2.

2003-03-21T23:26:00.000-05:00

Wow! All I have to say is, if you haven't seen The Green Mile, please proceed to your nearest blockbuster and rent the damn thing. It is definitely one of the best, most touching movies I have ever seen!

2003-03-20T21:36:00.000-05:00

Today wasn't so great. My bipolar crap has been going crazy. Its switching like crazy in a matter of hours. I felt ok in the morning but by 5th period I was gonna kill myself if I didn't get out of school. And I couldn't even talk to anyone. So my grandpa just came and picked me up. I had to go to their house so I would be alone. Now my mom wants to talk every 5 minutes. And it doesn't help that auditory hallucinations are back. Don't I take enough medicine for them to be dead already? The only good thing that happened today was that I got new prescription contacts so I can finally see in class without scrunching up my eyes. And I was able to read with out having any "problems". Hopefully I can live through tomorrow.

here's something funny since I'm not in the mood to be,

Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Are Preparing For A Terrorist Attack

10. Wearing special "anti-terror" hat 24/7

9. Adding seat belts to dining room chairs

8. Wearing same cologne as Tom Ridge

7. Building a tolerance to radiation by standing in front of the microwave

6. Interrogating pets

5. Watching a lot of them "Lethal Weapon" movies

4. Stocking up on Tums

3. Just to be safe, getting vaccinated for small and large pox

2. Creating elaborate color-code systems to alert citizens to threat levels

1. Taping a duck

2003-03-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

I have broken down. Can anyone fix me? *tears*

2003-03-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Although details won't be included to spare everyone from the recount of the actual events, it can be said that my weekend was going great until sunday. I have felt sick to my stomach all damn day long and I can't eat anything. I probably got it from Dennis. I did get to see The Life of David Gale which was soooo great and got about 6 hours of sleep total all weekend. Plus my doctor sucks balls because she didn't put a date on my permit application and also I have an "old" social security and green card so my permit test has been delayed yet another week. Hmmm, that pretty much sums up my weekend minus the Dennis sleepover details (as far as I'm concerned, at least *I* was in the right bed the *entire* night! Oh and parents who are light sleepers suck!)

2003-03-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

My greatest dream come true has happened! Well, kinda. West Point sent me a letter today, actually two but they were duplicates telling me that they are interested in my progress this year. Unfortunately I have to do extra well in math, science, and english. Two of which are my worst subjects. But at least now I have a reason to care about my work! Maybe now I actually stand a chance at getting in. Hurray for me!

2003-03-01T15:20:00.000-05:00

(I think this test was also used to allow some people into the Honors American Studies class. For example: Paul. Need I say more?)

University of Illinois Entrance exam

Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or -
give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish
b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners

9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's b. 7-11 c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell
your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

2003-02-25T16:46:00.000-05:00

I can't concentrate on anything lately. Jus tkinda sit there and try to force myself to do what I need to do to get by. Haven't turned in Pezza's stupid essays yet. They were supposedly due on Monday. Screw him, I don't owe him anything. And he only asked if I would do one more essay. Not two. No wonder he doesn't like Becker, he doesn't even know how to fucking count. And I'm way too busy with my issues right now. In case anyone was interested I got caugh cutting again. Figures. And I had a really good hiding spot too. Mom has to ruin everything. So now I'm gonna be dragged to my doctors and get even more meds. Especially since I can't sleep anymore. I want to be happy I really do but everything in this world keeps pushing me back. If I didn't have my friends I don't know where I'd be. In the hospital? Dead? Who cares now. I'm still in school, still living, breathing. Even though some people who shall not be named are intent on making my life very complicated right now. I don't need any more complications. Life is hard enough. And now I'm wasting even more of my time being on the stupid computer instead of studying for the math test which I will do horribly on. Why can't I have Tash's conviction? How can one teenager be so intensely motivated to do everything expected of her? Of course I'd have to be jealous. (Don't worry Tash, I won't make you get into a tree with me anytime soon) The concert tickets were supposed to cheer me up but now even they upset me. I tried getting floor tickets and I thought I did unti l actually got them and my computer informed me that I wasn't able to get floor tickets. Now were on the next floor up from the ground. I hope Kels and Becca don't mind. And now there's also the problem of who will get the last ticket. I did after all get 4 tickets in case Ashley wanted to go with us instead of her other friends. But that was when she thought we could get floor tickets. Why can't anything just go right? And I had to leave school early cuz my stupid meds were acting up. Of course the second I get home I fee better, but what can I do? I'm already home. So I gave the dog a bath and took a nap. Now I'm avoiding doing my homework. Aren't I responsible? And tomorrow I have to see both my psyhciatrist and my therapist, all while finding the time to study math, bio, and english. At least the "A Separate Peace" test should be easy now that I actually finished the book. Ok now on to more procrastinating.......

2003-02-18T18:31:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the crappiness that is my computer, the entire entry about my trip this weekend was erased. So I have to start from scratch and type it up all over again, just for you, my loyal readers. Anyways, if its not that funny blame the computer cuz the original was funny. Here goes nothing…

Well, I just got back from the mountains and was immediately greeted with Squeak’s question of “Did you get a tan?” Now I’ll repeat it for those that missed it the first time *cough* Squeak *cough*, back from the MOUNTAINS! And unless my knowledge of geography is horribly distorted, and you can’t blame me with past history teachers like Mr. Morris the child molester and Mr. Raysor, the storyteller of fake stories from 1873 that happened to him, then I’m pretty sure you can’t get a tan in the Pocono mountains, hmm, ever. But anyways, now on to the beginning of my *real* story because that is how real stories tend to start *cough* Mr. Raysor *cough*…

It all started with a four hour-long car ride in a tiny little car because Dennis’ dad needed the minivan. Damn him! Dennis isn’t exactly the tiniest guy in the world. I spent most of the time sleeping in an attempt to escape from the tortures of an “intelligent” conversation with Dennis. And despite stops at a Pepperidge Farm store where Dennis’ mom bought all the most disgusting cookies ever made and at a restaurant with the fastest service and the most disgusting food ever (Here’s a thought, I’m sure your customers wouldn’t mind waiting a few more minutes if you would just properly cook the damn food), we finally arrived at the *yellow* house. Then we got to the *funnest* part of the trip. The part where Dennis, the genius we all know him to be, had to turn on all the lights on the circuit breaker and turn on the heat and water heater. As you can all imagine this took quite a while to completely accomplish. And in the end it wasn’t done properly because the room I was initially given had no working lights. This turned out in my favor though. I was given Dennis’ room, which, despite the horrific quality of being very pink, had a very soft, and comfty bed. Dennis got stuck with the hard and crappy bed and proceeded to complain to me about it during the rest of the trip.

The next few days we went to lots of hick stores, ate at some more hick restaurants, and watched actual hick in their natural environment, discussing the all-important topic of “bobble-head dolls”. We also watched a bunch of movies in the not-so-comfty living room. I actually ran out of the end of “My Best Friend’s Wedding” cuz I couldn’t stand to watch the part where Julia Roberts confesses all the bitchy things she did. (I’m a sap so sue me) Dennis had to run after me and drag me from under the covers and back downstairs to finish watching the movie. Then Dennis and I got really hyper from lots of sugar candy and did the most obvious thing for two teenagers to do when the only adult watching them is asleep, we had a really long talk. (What? What were you thinking?) But I did get Dennis to tell me a most amusing story about how he went to buy condoms with his dad and how his mom found the receipt. (And I can’t imagine why Dennis would need condoms. What? Why are you giving me an accusing look? I’m innocent I tell you!) Before I knew it, it was time to pack up so we could leave and avoid being snowed in during our wonderful little blizzard.

You can imagine how fun the *six* hour-long trip back was. Have I ever mentioned that Dennis is a very spoiled and chubby little brat? Not someone you’d want to spend six hours with being only about 3 feet away from each other the entire time. And despite the snow we did finally make it back to Dennis’ house, where I had to remain because of the snow. Have I mentioned my hate of snow has taken on a new meaning? Nah it wasn’t that bad. Well the eggs were, but that’s beside the point. Oddly enough though, I don’t really remember most of what happened that day (no I wasn’t on drugs, that’s Aleks’ job as are a few other things I won’t mention). Eventually though my parents braved the elements to come rescue me right in the middle of dinner. So here I am, back at home and feeling as crappy as ever. Can’t wait till the next trip. By the way, this might not have seemed like the best vacation ever, but it was better than any trip with my parents and it definitely beat actually being with my parents at all. So ha! Bet you guys can’t wait to read about when I go to Florida with Dennis. Fun in the sun, half-nakedness in bathing suits, lots of cute tanned boys, and Dennis. What is wrong with that picture? Well, for one thing, have any of you seen Dennis in a bathing suit? Good, keep it that way. You don’t all need to be blinded.

2003-02-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

Ok I'm all packed and ready to go. Marklar is fed and has lots of water. My room is semi-clean. And the entire downstairs is anti-bacterialized. Now all I have to do is wait until Dennis calls me to tell me when we're leaving. We were supposed to leave at 12 but his mom still hasn't come home. I just had to sew Dennis' hoodie cuz *he* somehow ripped it, probably from washing it incorrectly. I seriously should get custody of his clothing. I'm the one who actually reads the labels to see how they're supposed to be washed and actually washes them properly. That's why his skull sweater is so horribly stretched out. But do I get thanked for hand-washing his clothes and mending them as well? Nooooo! All I get is a ,"Po, I want my hoodie back for 1 day. Pleeeeeeaaaaase." And then 1 day somehow turns into 2 weeks. Stupid Dennis and his inability to tell time.

2003-02-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Today's assembly definitely was the best one so far, but then again that's not saying much when you look back on the past two days. At least our team won, cuz our skit was the funniest. The seniors' skit wasn't even a skit, it was so stupid. I think they mixed up the skit day with the kareoke day yesterday. Anyways, can't say I'm looking forward to tomorrow that much even though its the last day before a four-day long break (finally!). Baking sugar cookies, although sometimes fun and very rewarding, probably won't be very easy and and will be very trying on my patience since I'm in a group with 5 other guys. And I'm not so confident in them anymore ever since the Apple Crisp project. Five hyper, perverted, and deeply messed up boys, one pissed off girl, a bag of apples, and not enough knives do not mix. And the stupid guitar quiz is finally gonna be tomorrow also, after about 3 postponings. I'm glad it'll be over even though I still suck at tuning. (Tash, when am I getting the electric tuner you've been promising me?) Now I'm, off to finish my homework and then leave to see my new psychiatrist (joy).

2003-02-11T15:02:00.000-05:00

Fluffy is freaking me out now. I just fed him his food, and my food, and even Marklar's food (don't ask). But now he's standing next to my chair sadly looking from me to Marklar. I think he's plotting to eat one of us. Personally I vote for Marklar. Hey I love the rat but if one of us has to go its gotta be him. Besides he's got the bigger butt.

2003-02-09T18:12:00.000-05:00

I feel very drained right now. The world seems to be tilted. I wish someone would hold me. Or kill me.

2003-02-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

Note I got from my therapist last night:

"You cannot control the world outside, but you can choose what you will bring into yourself. If you do not see anything of value in your life, begin by finding one thing of beauty everyday until it becomes a habit."

Is this supposed to be a joke or something? Come on, if I could do that I wouldn't be where I am today.

2003-02-04T22:08:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling so horrible right now, but I don't want anyone yelling at me or telling me how much they care cuz I already know. So I'll spare you the details. Nothing else to write about. If I'm ever happy again maybe I'll write more than 2 sentences.

2003-02-03T18:37:00.000-05:00

-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I think I'd have to argue about the perfect part. God knows I give Dennis a hard time. But hey, I got roses and a necklace today so maybe I'm not so bad!

2003-01-30T21:07:00.000-05:00

2003-01-28T18:48:00.000-05:00

I talked to Tommy and Darren last night. Somehow that has made me feel very guilty and an unexplainable emptyness prevails inside me. It won't go away all day. Distracted me horribly from the math midterm. Probably did bad. Who cares. Do I? Should I? Spiraling. Falling. Can't feel. Where is everyone? Why am I alone? Leave me alone but don't go away. I need you yet I can't stand to be near you. Help me...but make it seem like I'm independent. Can you fill the hole in me? I'll try anyways. Never works. Everything goes wrong. Can't think. Can't sleep. Can't eat. Must waste away. Will anyone notice? I hope they don't. Disappear. Fade away. No more me. You can't see me. Why is my head here but my heart gone? Can you bring it back? Try again, still fail. Will I ever learn? Will I live through this? Can you make it stop. Head is stopped. Wish I could go away.Smack me. I want to come back. Was I ever truly there? How can you tell? Dark. Shadows. Lurking. Demons. Screaming. Suffering. RED. RED. RED. Make it stop. Pain. Tears. RED. Blurry. Can't see. Wish you could save me. Is it too late? I'm gone. Will you miss me? I want you back. Why did you leave me? Did you love me? Does anyone? Do I? Why can't I? Stop. Questions. Stop. Writing. Neverending. Story of my life. Makes no sense, yet never stops. Spinning. Dizzy. Crying. Head hurts. Hard wall. Tight cord. Sharp blade. Strong pills. Has to work....never worked before. Tommy right. Can't reschedule. Or can I? You're all wrong. You can't change me. Don't try. It won't work. DARKNESS FALLS ON ME.

2003-01-26T18:46:00.000-05:00

I hate my so-called father with the fiery passion of a thousand suns, to borrow from Tash. He makes me feel so horrible. Definitely not a feeling you would expect from the man who was apparently responsible for your existance. Can't he just fucking grow a heart? Did he even ever have one? How could someone possibly even treat another human being, let alone your own daughter, like that? Makes me want to do something really bad. But I'm trying to hold on to sanity for now. Not working too well cuz have to spend most of my energy studying spanish and bio. I'm totally screwed for Bio, don't even know why I'm bothering. Spent most of the day crying again, as you probably guessed. Makes me miss my old methods of dealing so much. At least it was quick and simple and required no crying or other sorts of bitching and being a whiny brat. Bad me. Bad. Now if I only remember the hiding spot....we'll just see what happens.

2003-01-22T17:32:00.000-05:00

Am totally in love with the song Bring Me to Life by Evanescence. I dunno what it is about it but I can't stop listening to it. You guys might like it, except of course Mia who hates everything in music that I like, so, Mia, don't bother listening to it.

2003-01-21T22:42:00.000-05:00

Yucky day today. I did get back my old panda bear ceramics project this morning and I showed Dennis my steer skull, which I'm like obsessively proud of. And I got my math test back which had a 95. Go me! But on my way down to the HV library today the strap to my bag broke, making it the second bag I broke all year. It not duct taped back together and I hope it won't break again. But while I was down at the library I had to get a new library card cuz I lost my old one and it cost me $5. But that wasn't all. Turns out I somehow had $7 late fee for old books, I have no clue how that's possible considering its 10 cents a book a day. So paid that and now have a large hole in my wallet. I need a job really bad. Maybe after midterms. But I did get these really cool books out on crime. I can't wait to read them, as soon as I finish all my novels. I don't usually like non-fiction but I have a feeling that I'll really get into them. And after I get through them, I already have my eye on a few psychology books. Wouldn't hurt to prepare for the summer course I'll probably be taking, surprisingly thanks to my hated guidance couselor. I prefer Ms. Dunn even though she LOVES to talk too much. Anyways, can't wait till Friday so can get first midterm out of the way and spend the rest of the day with Dennis. It should be fun. Hehehe, just like last Saturday, only I'll try to keep better track of.....ummm.....things this time. And also finished my "America is" paragraph in about 5 minutes after only reading 1 article (hey if its not worth anything I'm not putting in the effort) and Tashie said it was good, so I'm proud. Go me again!

2003-01-19T23:43:00.000-05:00

I have figured out why I was feeling moppy all day today. I really wanted to see Dennis for some reason. Almost like I missed him even though I saw him just last night. Felt like a hug from him would just totally make my day. What is wrong with me?

2003-01-18T11:52:00.000-05:00

"When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical may be madness. To surrender dreams, this may be madness. Too much sanity may be madness., and maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be."

2003-01-16T19:27:00.000-05:00

Hate, hate, hate midterms. And my dad. Have spent yesterday and today engulfed in 5 hour study sessions only to get yelled at by dad for not using my time wisely and learning to do something "useful" like cooking a six course meal, sewing my own clothes, and feeding the pigs just like he used to do, in Russia. IN RUSSIA!!!! Not here where we're about 50 years technologically ahead of them. And we don't even own friggin pigs or cows or any barnyard animals for that matter! Isn't it enough that I'm practically killing myself trying to earn good grades so I can afford a 2nd or 3rd rate college in a few years. Cuz god knows my parents will not have more than about $5000 at the most to give me for the purpose. And even if I got a job and saved every single penny I still would have to be a friggin genious to get enough scholarships to afford the prices of colleges these days.

2003-01-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

cant stop crying. just read an old conversation in my blog wit dougie. cant stop thinking, wat the hell is wrong wit me? does anyone know? there obviously is something.

2003-01-15T21:19:00.000-05:00

Getting the old feeling back. Not fun. Wish I could tell Dennis but I don't want to upset him. If it all turns out like I think it will he'll be better off anyways. I really really wish I could do something about it. It makes me very happy and I don't want to give it up, but I feel like I'm begin just extremely selfish. Either way I'll beat myself up about it. Lose lose situation. Don't ya hate those?

2003-01-12T16:59:00.000-05:00

I thought all you people might enjoy a glimpse into the very odd friendship between me and Aleks with this online conversation. Be amused!

TgrSuzieQ: btw ur entry about the trip back was a tad too desciptive

Auto response from Devilish823:
I believe. Theres no place that i could be without you!
:-D
Cause when I think
of you as mine

I feel loved.
Honestly!

If youre in my a.s class im me....

Devilish823: it happened....
Devilish823: i wanted u to share in my pain....
TgrSuzieQ: ewwww
TgrSuzieQ: that just made my stomach churn
Devilish823: good
Devilish823: they were so loud!
TgrSuzieQ: evil demon
TgrSuzieQ: ur making it worse
Devilish823: i mean if u must do that do it in the bathroom!
Devilish823: i kept getting visuals of his wrinkly skin
Devilish823: eww
Devilish823: she was too tall for him
TgrSuzieQ: STOP!
Devilish823: hehe
Devilish823: ok
TgrSuzieQ: egh
Devilish823: ill stop for now
TgrSuzieQ: excuse me whilei go wash out my brain
Devilish823: lol
Devilish823: i have a ?
Devilish823: bout a/s
TgrSuzieQ: ok sure
Devilish823: where are we with the presentations?
TgrSuzieQ: we're likeon day 36 i think
TgrSuzieQ: give or take
Devilish823: did genai go?
TgrSuzieQ: no, but i wasnt there on fri so im not sure, but that day we had a test
Devilish823: friday we did?
TgrSuzieQ: yes fri was the test
Devilish823: on what?
TgrSuzieQ: chapter 11
TgrSuzieQ: and the dumbass book
TgrSuzieQ: we got a new book now
Devilish823: what is it?
TgrSuzieQ: it might be to kill a mockingbird or that cud just be on my own mental booklist, but its in my head nonetheless u figure it out
Devilish823: ugh that book sux
TgrSuzieQ: i cud be wrong
Devilish823: hmm..
Devilish823: did we have a quiz on barn burning?
TgrSuzieQ: yup i totally failed it cuz i was too lazy to read
Devilish823: lol was the bio test hard?
TgrSuzieQ: i thought so but then again im retarded in bio
Devilish823: lol
Devilish823: how was the week without me? peaceful?
TgrSuzieQ: i didnt even miss u at all
TgrSuzieQ: was quite a break
Devilish823: :-\
TgrSuzieQ: almost as good as actually going on vacation
Devilish823: :-D
Devilish823: do u mean that?
TgrSuzieQ: well no id really rather go on the vacation
Devilish823: did u miss me
TgrSuzieQ: like a dog misses fleas
Devilish823: u dunno that dogs dont miss their fleas
TgrSuzieQ: well i kno they dont like em and try to bite them
Devilish823: uve never biten me
TgrSuzieQ: not that u've noticed
Devilish823: lol
Devilish823: i would like it if u did
TgrSuzieQ: y does that scare me?
Devilish823: bc u want to bite me
Devilish823: but ur afraid of what den den might think
TgrSuzieQ: no i dont really care wat denden thinks
Devilish823: lol y doesnt that suprise me?
TgrSuzieQ: cuz i dont really care wat anyone thinks
Devilish823: u care what i think
TgrSuzieQ: no not really
Devilish823: yesssss u do
Devilish823: dont lie!
TgrSuzieQ: unless ur thinking of giving me $50
TgrSuzieQ: then i care
Devilish823: hmmm $ 50 worth of love? no scratch that of biting...
TgrSuzieQ: o gee cant give up that oppurtunity!
Devilish823: lol i know im a real catch!
TgrSuzieQ: yea like the plague
Devilish823: lol
Devilish823: some ppl get into that
TgrSuzieQ: suicidal people maybe?
TgrSuzieQ: or masochist?
Devilish823: like u?
Devilish823: like me?
TgrSuzieQ: hey im not suicidal anymore! we're better now!
Devilish823: we....my point
TgrSuzieQ: stupid bob
Devilish823: we've all got to deal with him
TgrSuzieQ: u've never had to share a bathtub wit him!
Devilish823: sure i have! remember that time when we were in the bathtub...i noticed him there...hairy ass
TgrSuzieQ: we as in u and me?
TgrSuzieQ: or u and him?
Devilish823: no we as in u and craig
TgrSuzieQ: ewwwww~
TgrSuzieQ: !!!!
Devilish823: lol haha!
TgrSuzieQ: i thought u were gonna stop screwing wit my head
TgrSuzieQ: worse then sharing a bathtub wit dennis
Devilish823: lol its so much fun
Devilish823: y would anyone wanna share a bathtub with dennis?
TgrSuzieQ: im not commenting.../.
Devilish823: =-O
Devilish823: hegh
TgrSuzieQ: O:-)
Devilish823: ewww
TgrSuzieQ: hey u deserve it after the airplane story
Devilish823: u dont have visuals!
Devilish823: i have seen dennis!
TgrSuzieQ: paybacks a bitch!
Devilish823: lol
TgrSuzieQ: dont fuck wit the jedimaster, son
Devilish823: weird
TgrSuzieQ: jay and silent bob, u never seen it?
Devilish823: nope
TgrSuzieQ: ugh!
TgrSuzieQ: heretic!
TgrSuzieQ: witch!
Devilish823: sry!
TgrSuzieQ: burn u motherfucker burn1
Devilish823: light a match
TgrSuzieQ: i only got a lighter
Devilish823: its my a.m
Devilish823: it says light a match, for i deserve to burn
TgrSuzieQ: well i wont aruge wit that
Devilish823: its a nice, tingly sensation
Devilish823: have u experienced?
TgrSuzieQ: no i prefer myself not burned to a crisp
Devilish823: u should try it
TgrSuzieQ: i enjoy being pasty thank you
Devilish823: its nice
Devilish823: burning flesh isnt my fav scent though.,...
TgrSuzieQ: its up there wit rotting ass
Devilish823: i like rotting asss
TgrSuzieQ: u wud
TgrSuzieQ: almost matches ur perfume
Devilish823: u dont?
TgrSuzieQ: no
Devilish823: i got new perfume, seriuosly i did
TgrSuzieQ: o so now u wont smell like rooting ass?
TgrSuzieQ: hav we upgraded to rooting garbage?
Devilish823: no i still will
TgrSuzieQ: *rotting
TgrSuzieQ: darn
Devilish823: no i dont care for the smell on NYC
Devilish823: im immune to it
Devilish823: ive lived close by
TgrSuzieQ: thats prolly y u still kinda reek of it
Devilish823: do i still?
TgrSuzieQ: yea just a bit
Devilish823: my parents said it would go away if i sat in a pot of borsch but i never tried....
Devilish823: u think i should?
TgrSuzieQ: u shud its very pleasant
Devilish823: really?
TgrSuzieQ: i do it every so often just for fun!
Devilish823: does dennis eat it off u ?
Devilish823: EW!
Devilish823: Y DID I SAY THAT?!
TgrSuzieQ: u always hav to spoil my fun dont u
TgrSuzieQ: masochist tendences?
Devilish823: :-D indeed i do, he pry would do it too
Devilish823: i like the pain
TgrSuzieQ: egh! i dont wanna think about it
Devilish823: hmm i think u like it!
TgrSuzieQ: no i think ud just like to watch it
Devilish823: i would...wait...its dennis....NO i wouldnt
TgrSuzieQ: hehehe
TgrSuzieQ: suuuuuure
TgrSuzieQ: u sick freak
Devilish823: tee hee!
Devilish823: have u gotten visuals yet?
TgrSuzieQ: no im trying to block it all out
Devilish823: oh they will come in ur sleep
Devilish823: cant block em then
TgrSuzieQ: ill never sleep then!
TgrSuzieQ: haha! ur evil plot is foiled again batman!\
Devilish823: u hafta sleep sometime
TgrSuzieQ: cant make me!
Devilish823: ur meds make u sleepy
Devilish823: they make u
Devilish823: ha!
TgrSuzieQ: damn ur right
Devilish823: i win!
Devilish823: muahahahha
TgrSuzieQ: damn u batman damn u!
Devilish823: i prefer to go by Gravity Accepting Pimptress thank u very much
TgrSuzieQ: u cant even fly!
Devilish823: no bc i accept gravity
Devilish823: and batman cant fly
TgrSuzieQ: ur a millionaire who CHOOSES to wear tights and GLIDE around the cuty
TgrSuzieQ: u disgust me!
TgrSuzieQ: *city
Devilish823: im the G.A.P
TgrSuzieQ: gay and proud?
Devilish823: r u illiterate?
TgrSuzieQ: i kne it all along!
Devilish823: ill spell it out
Devilish823: i am gay and proud but thats besides the point!
TgrSuzieQ: at least this experience is somewat positive
TgrSuzieQ: u've come out of the closet!
Devilish823: Gravity Accepting Pimptress
TgrSuzieQ: whos gay
Devilish823: ive been out of the closet for ages they wont let me back in
Devilish823: i am
Devilish823: we just established that
TgrSuzieQ: im always the last to kno
TgrSuzieQ: and wen exactly were u planning on telling me?
Devilish823: u didnt catch on when i licked ur face ?!
Devilish823: i thought it was obvious
TgrSuzieQ: well i was just sogiddy i didnt notice
Devilish823: oh
Devilish823: my licks can do that sometimes
TgrSuzieQ: yea
TgrSuzieQ: *reminisces*
Devilish823: sigh good times
Devilish823: those were the days
TgrSuzieQ: now its just all these kids wit their darn music!
Devilish823: damn punk rockers!
TgrSuzieQ: back in our day....
Devilish823: on dennis trampoline....
TgrSuzieQ: tackling kenny
Devilish823: licking each other...
TgrSuzieQ: and stealing his shoes
Devilish823: chewing big red
TgrSuzieQ: wait i wasnt licking anyone yet!
Devilish823: o was that later?
TgrSuzieQ: yea hello? get the times right at least
Devilish823: sry
Devilish823: bliss
TgrSuzieQ: yea i guess i can excuse u for that
Devilish823: :-D
TgrSuzieQ: ok before this conversation gets anymore interesting im afraid i hav to leave u and continue my studies
TgrSuzieQ: farewell, my fair maiden!
Devilish823: what r u studying?

Auto response from TgrSuzieQ: I'm a lesbian left-handed midget albino eskimo and I like luring children into open manholes.

TgrSuzieQ: the phone
TgrSuzieQ: no begone!
TgrSuzieQ: *now
Devilish823: thats not studying!

Auto response from TgrSuzieQ: I'm a lesbian left-handed midget albino eskimo and I like luring children into open manholes.

2003-01-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

Monkeys are officially the best holiday gift. Now on to the next poll... vote carefully!

2003-01-11T22:54:00.000-05:00

Picture this: a huge bathtub filled to the brim with big soapy bubbles surrounding you, an air-filled pillow cushions your head while powerful jets massage your muscles and swirl the water around your body. Sounds comfortable and relaxing right? Well it would be if you discount the pudgy guy in there with you trying to cover your face with the bubbles and pinching your butt. And it doesn't help when your mom calls in the middle of the bath to tell you that she's outside waiting for you. Kinda ruins the atmosphere, doesn't it? But I had a fun time nonetheless. It was a pretty fun way to end the evening (we went to see Gangs to New York earlier tonight). Better than the normal Saturday night where we... well...are just in his room. And on another note, bubbles don't taste good, we'll leave it at that.

2003-01-10T22:50:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how much better a short visit and a few hugs can make you feel. I had such a crappy day today. I don't even wanna get into how horrible it was. At least until Dennis called me. He was so nice and then he rode his bike all the way up to my house just so he could give me a hug. I felt bad cuz he was really tired when he got here. But he was really nice and it just totally made my day. And he told me he really wanted to see me cuz he missed not seeing me these past two days. And that made me feel so nice. I love that feeling, it totally brought me out of my bottomless pit today.

2003-01-09T17:16:00.000-05:00

Something has really been kinda bothering me lately. Has to do with Dennis and why I won't hang out with him all this week and possibly longer. I feel bad cuz I won't tell him and I'm not sure whether it is really I thing I should even bother to tell him. I wish I had someone to talk to about it but people either don't have the time or they wouldn't understand. Makes me feel really lonely. I don't know what to do...

2003-01-08T21:17:00.000-05:00

No one but Tash and Genai, ever really write real entries in their blog anymore. Somehow the rest of us enter a tidbit or two in and consider that an entry (Squeak you've been especially guilty of this lately, I haven't seen anything from you since the snowflake story and even that was after a dry spell). So I would like to take this oppurtunity to ask that if you're gonna bother to write something at least make it more than one line long so that people can comment. Now I know I've been doing this too so I'll accept blame, but since some of us *cough* me and squeak *cough* love to periodically and/or obsessively check everyone's blog, it would be nice if there was something written there once in a while. Whatever. Dont feel compelled to do anything if you dont want to though. This is just a request. Tanky!

2003-01-07T18:46:00.000-05:00

I'm so friggin' tired and I have no idea why. Yesterday I woke up, on a Monday no less, and I was perfectly fine. More than perfectly fine. I felt like I had had a decent amount of sleep and I was actually awake, and awake looking during the morning. But today I swear it felt like I had slept for about 15 minutes. I could not even stand up for more than a minute at a time without getting dizzy. I hate this! And today I had the math test. Most of it wasn't that hard, but I had trouble on the problems that were worth the most points, figures. Well at least I don't think I failed it. And tomorrow I have the beloved and long awaited (note the heavy sarcasm used) Bio test. Its on so much crap that I can't possibly study all of it. And half the stuff she'll test on will be things I never learned. Oh cruel life, I loathe the hand you dealt me! But anyways, I should probably be off studying it now instead of writing in here, but I've been studying for about an hour now and I feel like crap. I have a sore throat and have been coughing like a 70 year-old smoker with half a lung and about 7 cancers, and it doesn't help that my nose is runny (twice the fun when you have a nose ring!) and my stomach and head hurt like a bitch. Someone kill me plz?